Saturday, March 25th, 2006
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7:10 am - Much delayed journal entry
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Ye gods,
Its been too long since Ive been here and said anything. It isn't that I don't care for anybody as much as things have just been going on full tilt. I rarely have time to think , or keep up with my written journals little lone do this one but I live and breath and am just too fucking busy. Love satan.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, March 14th, 2005
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7:11 pm - This month sucks
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I'am not a violent person, but this month seems to have placed a target on my head for testorone prone men. I have almost been in 4 fist fights for no appartent reason other than I dissagreed with them. My boss at one of my jobs, a fellow employee at another on. A gas station attendant that I have know for ten years. The others are just random. I don't understand why, I just know thats its a start not the end and before its all over I hope I don't loose my temper because Iam telling you I'll need bail money. Its like spring is on the rag and everyone overfloweth with pms. My goddess candles blew up on my altar for no reason ( no they weren't mad it was just bleed off engery) Fred the cat rendered the new female cat on the block unconscious and shit on her for touching his food. (its alright if his other looser cat friends eat it but no her!) I even saw a snake clime an electrical pole and scale a line just to get a bird that was pissing him off. The white deer in st james park was stomping squirls for no apartent reason and almost gave me the middle hoof. The raven's in the area have been eating cardinals. In newburger alot of the springs have been pumping black water that smell like blood. I also heard from a priest friend of mine that said there have been reports of serpants crawling on jesus statues all over the world. I hope this particular alignment gets over with or just gets on with it because this omen shit is starting to piss me off. I also have to redo my certifications so all my weekends and part of this week will be dealing with that bull shit. But on a light good note I found some killer old books on egytian herbalism and assyrian and hindustani curses and counter curses that have come out in paperback. (He, He, He,) So thats that. Love satan.
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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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10:20 pm
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I certainly hope this time once again it takes this. I hope everyone has a happy new year. I just found out about kim's man moving in and bridgets fiance so Iam feeling a little out of the loop. Iam hoping that I'll be able to pick up kims rockers tommorow if she is home. (yeah get rid of those fucking chairs in the alter room and replace them with something comfortable!) I promise to write more when Iam less pressed for time, but I thought I would just check in. Satan.
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, November 27th, 2004
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9:08 pm - Just General stuff
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Well at least it let me in this time. There is really nothing much too report. My family thanksgiving involved my sister in the hospital my sister in law almost putting my mother in the hospital and thank god a split where part of my family went one place and us going to the other. Mom handled all this well and realized that our family is different than her's in wisconson and that she will be going there next year instead of getting in the middle of next years battle. I enjoyed my sister visit and our talks of late, its wonderful to have more contact with her. Ive went thru all my journals and decited which ones to keep and which ones to burn. Other than than Ive been working with the memory balls of late and pulling double shifts at my night job. I miss and love everyone and hope everyone is haveing a good life. I'll write more on witchy shit later. Satan.
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Sunday, October 17th, 2004
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8:32 pm - Updating the goddamn journal
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I was afraid that my ablilty to write on this journal might be because of the little spy bot thing that blocks stuff from clogging the comp. up. My mother just got the computer fixed including the disk drive so that I can read disks again. My sister is down from florida and its been so wonderful having family that I love and can plot and giggle with! I have to be so guarded with my sister wanda because of her ties to sharron my brother's wife. My family is just such a powder keg that blows up constantly. Its the vilocaraptor gene. Bart and trica came over and we dicussed marks and alittle about bonds and links. I hadn't realized how much I have cut myself off on the soul level. Opening myself up on that level again reminded me just how much I was connected at one time to the people in my life and how deeply I trusted people. I also remebered why it was nessesary to change the nature of my bonds with others. Hopefully its something that I can open up again someday to the new people of my life. My nephew trenton is down as well and it makes me glad that at that age I had evil stripper friends who got me over my nievite. Between the gay men and the dykes I learned alot about evil women. It didn't stop me from having them in my life but aleast I could see the signs a commin. Satan.
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Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
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1:25 pm - trying to undate this journal
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It has been virtualy impossible to update this damn journal. I've written two of thses fucker's and they appear and then just vanish. Iam at work so I'll try this shit later but understand if this damn thing would do what it was suppose to then I wouldn't be ranting. Love satan.
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Friday, September 17th, 2004
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3:40 pm - Quick catch up
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I've been trying to update this damn journal for a week and it wouldn't let me! Its my birthday on mon. so Ive decided to go shoping in st louis on sat and take sunday and monday off. I plan on redoing my oaths Sunday and make new overatures to Heckate. I've also decided to no longer take students in the green. I'll only do pagan studies now. Its also time for me to take care of some old debts and focus on my own studies. I also plan on getting all my projects done that have been rotting in the closet. I also have some places that I need to take a couple of weekend off to travel. I got a new outdoor fire pit so I cant wait to try that out. I have a couple of spells in store for that (He HE HE) I also took holloween off so that I can actualy do something that isn't patroling and putting out fires. I plan on starting some of my own. Love satan
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Saturday, August 21st, 2004
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6:17 pm - fill in
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Well I just checked everyone's journal entries and I thought I would update too. Sara's sword has its first enchantments done. I hope to get more completed before class next week. Ive been working on my definitions of love and explaing past emails to crazy john. This excersize has sucked but I think it was well worth it. For the record I never ask students to do anything I won't do myself. I can't wait to go see the new excorsit movie. (looks brilliant) It is also time to retake my oaths for next month, I haven't decited how I feel about that yet or what all I really want to dedicate myself too. My mom's shower has been overhaled and now we have no water pressure. ( damn Luck) On the positive side my house is clean and my lawn mowed and Iam off to get a terror card reading. Love satan
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Friday, July 30th, 2004
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7:41 am - quick catch up
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It appear's that Iam not the only one with time constriants of late so here is the update. Me and patrick are no more. He hasn't contacted me in a month when he finally did it was to leave a number. I told him if we were going to make this work he would have to put forth the effort. He chose, Iam done, He also has a new girlfriend. I am obviously not needed and his relationship with shelly is working far better that mine to him. Luck to him, fuck off and die. Yesterday my truck was almost demolished by a runaway dump truck that missed my car by two inches. If it would have hit it would have smashed it like a pancake. One of my jobs almost burnt too the grown and one of my bosses didn't pay anybills and the electic was shut off. I have been picked by the pentecostals again. Iwasn't home, they thought the police where there to chase them off and instead he just said
"John's at work, but Iam sure he appreciates the effort." I also got a bill because it appears fred the front porch cat bit two of the old bitties deffending his terf. I gave the cat a steak for its effort and he has earned a flea cloar with the next pay check. I have also been asked to join a satanic coalition that wants to organize Mo. It realy is a sign of the times when the satanists are more organized than the pagans. I told them no. and to keep st james off the list of frendly satanic places to visit. I have gotten a great deal of rest last weekend and can report that bernadett and sue pasted there state butician boards test. Love satan
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Sunday, June 20th, 2004
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1:30 pm - love is always too complicated
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Patrick came back into mine and shellys life. I thought that it would destroy everything but instead its finally giving us something that we all needed. The only problem is patcience is at an all new low. Patrick needs words, understanding, comforting, acceptance and a place to find the answers. Shelly needed to be loved and for patrick to love her back. I needed to know that all the pain, grief, and heartache ment something. I have no illusions about the success rate here. I know patrick will be seeing other women and my time with him will be" of the moment" and not "of a life time". I ACCEPT THIS. I want to help patrick and shelly heal and work thru this opportunity, so that we can move on to the next stage of our lives. Shelly has decited that this particular venture is too much for her to fund. She doesn't want me to talk to patrick and said she will deal with it and I've agreed. Love in my life has ALWAYS BEEN PAINFULL. I feel Iam finally making headway and can accept whatever comes. I love patrick and shelly and Iam finally learning to love me. I am also learning to trust in the process but understand that if you don't have the emotional currancy than fold. There is alot more to this story but that's the jest of it. I am very happy and if it all ends now, the ride would have been worth it for all. Next time I hope its a one on one thing and alot less drama. This venus thing was suppose to reaquanint me with and old destructive love interest and consume everyhing, Well baby let it burn, because I was ashes anyway, and I can say that This experience was worth it. John.
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Friday, June 4th, 2004
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6:53 am - Catch up
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My mother finally got her computer back so this sund. or mon. I'll do a catch up, untill then I'll just send my love to everyone
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Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
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7:28 pm - updates
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Well my trip the springfield was wonderful. Kim's house is beautiful if not alittle spartan. (I will see more color and art there if it hairlips the president.) I also went out to dinner with bridge. I also wanted to warn my students that the first weekend in june is the herb test so study or there will be hell to pay. My mom's computer is still down so Ill write more then. Love john.
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Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
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7:12 pm - suplemental
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My mother's computer has crashed so if Iam slow to answer thats why. Things are going much better and have a much better prospective on things. Miss and love you all. John.
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Sunday, April 25th, 2004
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9:27 pm - The wheel
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I really don't know how to start this journal entry. If I had a wish it would be to be able to talk to myself(that part which I give to other people who are in pain). That part which reaches into people fear, loss, pain and allows them to express it all, and comes to terms with there situations. I have the best group of students I've ever had. (If they want to keep this title I would advize them to be memorizing there herbal hand outs because the test is in a month and its a bitch!) I have a best friend in kim that is a rock that will be with me rain or shine. And I am a versital, resourcefull, and resiliant S.O.B. But tonight its not enough. Iam weak, Lost, and am very islolated, because the last time I banked on the people I cared for ( Sue and bernadette) they pushed me over the edge. I like to get a handle on these spirals myself before I trust others. This comes from several events
1. Erin's diabetic coma and her coming out of said coma
2. My friends brain canser coma that he will never come out of.
3. My future colledge carrer
4. My family inablity to love or understand my choices
5. My father's influence
6. Injustice and how the world really works as opposed to
way we were told to believe it is.
These a few others but thats whats going on in my mind now. I don't plan on doing anything extreme, ( Iam a rational virgo ) I just feel the weight of it tonight and wanted to get it out of my mind and onto this medium, But it failed. I'am so frustrated with this particular failing that Iam going to sign off. Understand that I'll write all these feels and events out, just give me time and don't call me over it. Respect my space and you'll get the full story just not now. I also wanted to say how glad Iam for tims visit, I hope there will be more. I also hope that those whom He has loved realize how lucky they are. Tonight I'll be remebering each and every one of the people who have been in my life and will be drawing strenght from they're feelings for me. My life isn't all I want it too be right know but the greatest gift of friendship is its ablity to grant a person the grace to continue when they fail. In this I am extremely blessed. I also have diety on my side. Its all the safty features I'll need.
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Saturday, March 20th, 2004
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9:51 pm - humility
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This week has brought feelings of such utter humility that I lack the words to disscribe. At work we have been working on planograms that have changed there form several times. As the bulk person I havent been using my planogram as much as I go thru the store and order what I need and look it up in books. One of our managers complete gutted my coolers and reorginized it. She also found several mistakes in my planograms. In the store I am the only one who's sections mostly are filled by my own hand, taking 50 pounds worth of stock and bagging it lableing it and stocking it. Instead of working with me she just gutted it. She also found some kind of gunk on my selves so everything had to be taken off the selves and redone. There was also labeling problems. It was a fucking mess. I felt like such a faliure as a worker that I almost just walked away because I felt that I just had completely failed as a worker, especialy to my standereds. I even failed as a virgo. However since then I have come to better conclusions about why all this came about. My sections have all been replaced and alphabetized. My planogram has been overhalled and is up to snuff and I communicated with my bosses how I felt. There feelings were that now that we're going to this new p.o.s. (point of sale) system, that it will all be up to snuff and they are glad that they have me as a worker and that they feel that the way it all came about was wrong and will work with people more directly and stop changing everything untill they now everything they need. I feel really blessed to have this job and Iam making great finacial gains with it. But what lays at the heart of this is the fact that when someone gives you control and asks you to run a department you should have your lines set when it comes to what you have power to do and don't. There should also be a system of checks and blances so if things aren't were they should be a realistic check list should be disscussed. If they are going to completely overhaul your dept. they should work with you no just rip it and leave you to clean up the mess. Iam also tired of the one that gets "experemented" on first so they can "work out the bugs" I also have a whole new batch of reasons to get the fuck out of my two jobs and chose a new life. This experence broke me. But I was strong enough to see this thru, and I am all the more determined to make all these new changes work. My name is John and I am determined to make myself and my world better, and all my mistakes are honest ones and I am a HARD worker. I will bend like the reed and snap at the face of my bosses untill they respect me and are bleeding profusely. Like I tell my students I am not a pussy.
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Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
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8:33 pm - apologies
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Iam sorry I havent written. My mother is recovering nicely from bladder sergury. But for at least the next week she is still on bed rest and can't drive so I have to do all her shoping. I also had to have a friend look at mom's computer to get all the problems solved. I'll tell you the rest of the stories involving my haircut from hell. the heartattack of my co worker, and patrick.
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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
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9:37 pm - Catch up
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I just got thru reading everyones journal entries and I didn't realize just how many people have one. It is also easy for people to get upset over them. My thoughts on this are as follows. If I have a problem with someone I ususally take the bull by the horns and ask. Sometimes this approach doesn't work do to the politics of the situation. IF you have a question email me, I will elaborate to the best of my abllity or just tell you to fuck off. John T and Patrick have started a new chap. with me that is if I can manage and have not bitten off more than I can chew. One of the hardest things for me to do is one cut things off forever, and two start new chap. when my heart is telling me to do something else. All I can promise is to do my best and if I fail then please never talk to me and move on. (That will teach me!) I also wanted to say thanks for all the support, this journal is quite the surreal trip. I will try to respect peoples feeling but please understand I see these journal entries as way to vent and give my own view's of things without being conserned about being politicaly correct. This isn't a website its a diary of MY SHIT. I feel entitled to some bit of selfishness hear. Also keep in mind I havent got the hang of private vrs. public yet. That is my next step. Its just all out there. This is also a wonderful way to talk with an old friend on a very comfortable level. ( love you walker) Sorry for ruffled feathers but Iam not changing my policy or what I write just how I post it. Love John.
current mood: pixilated
current music: Holding back the year's /simply red
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priest_of_night's journal